You know how when in the supermarket you sometimes get in sync with someone else, and you pass each other in every aisle? We had that thing going, making bashful glances each timeaking bashful glances each time. There was definitely a mutual attraction.

Weaving my way through the store, I slowly gathered the courage to say something.

So... in the very last aisle I smiled my best smile at her. She did the same. The moment hung, poised and perfect. Looking deep into her eyes, I took a breath and prepared to speak.

[1/4/0 SIZE=4 COLOR="#ffff00">[1/4/00]
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
balled so tightly in your hand?
And all the while the Distance grows between you and me.
I do not understand
Peter Gabriel,  The Blood of Eden,  US

[11/17/99, 6:38pm] You fucked up.
You come to me with a bone in your hand
You come to me with your hair curled tight
You come to me with positions
You come to me with excuses
Ducked out in a row
You wear me out
You wear me out
[...]
It's crazy what you could've had.

-REM, Country Feedback

[personal note from me to her: You fucked up royally, my dear. You had It All. This isn't cocky, I sill. This isn't cocky, I simply know it to be true. You fucked up when you turned me out.]

[9/25/99, 9:06pm] Freedom[this isn't authored by me, though I really wish it was] Long ago there was a great country where people were free. They were free to do all kinds of things, including make mistakes, for which they were punished. Somewhey were punished. Somewhere along the way everyone realised this was a mistake and that free will and personal responsibility were bad things. They came to realised how stupid statements like "Those who are willing to sacrifice freedom for safety deserve neither" were.

Under the firm leadership of King William and Prince Albert they evolved into a new race of uber-men known as Politicus Correctus. Collectively referred to as sheeple, they knew what was right and wrong for everyone, or at least they were told they did. They didn't need to think about it because they were told everything they needed to know through MTV style government propaganda, often involving eggs.

One day some of them woke up and realised they weren't allowed to do anything at all. They said "Welll. They said "Well damn, if George Washington could drink and smoke [...] then why can't we?"

The government promptly outlawed realizing and that was the end of that.

[9/24/99, 7:08pm] Phall Tour (part I, for me) is I, for me) is over I've been back home for almost a week now, survived re-immersion at work and real life, and slowly coming out of that funny haze which settles over a person on tour. I'm not talking about substance-induced haze, rather the pattern of following a bunch of tourbusses all over the country, eating junk food, campgrounds & hotels, little sleep, and generally being an outsider in every town. It's weird- I don't even mind it that much. In fact, I love it. I look at it as a wonderful opportunity to get my mind in order, forget about life, and follow my heart. I had a great time on the mini-tour (7 shows in 9 days). I saw parts of the country I've never seen before and met lots of wonderful people. How can anyone complain about that?

I just realized that I'm going to 4 more shows (Nassau's and 's and Albany's) in just 2 weeks. They're going to be great. Even with the first 7 shows I saw, they got better & better each time. These last 4 are going to be immense. I just know it. Plus, they're relatively close to home (well 150-200 miles, at least) so I'll be more or less on my own turf. That's nice. No marathon drives, no airports... Ahhhh. :)

[9/24/99, 6pm] My notepad The western leg of Fall Tour 99 was outstanding in every way, except for what happened during the second set of my last show. You see, I lost my notepad. My little green notepad which I've religiously carried around for almost an entire year's worth of shows. On it's pages were all of my setlists and thoughts. Mostly scribbled, mostly incoherent, mostly silly, but the repository of deep emotions related to anything Phish. The basis of a lot of what I have here and so much more. I honestly don't know what happened to it. I was mostly clean & sober for the show- it just slipped out somewhere. Its loss has been burning inside me for a week now and it's going to take a long time for me to get over it.

[9/14/99 3:12pm] Boise, ID. In the parking lot before the show, hanging out by my car, watching the Boise State football team practice. I used to play college football; I was really good at it as a matter of fact. Good wrestler, too. Now I'm total Phishead. How in world did that happen? How did I come from being a Jock to a Head? At my ripe old age of 30, I guess it's not like I could even play football or wrestle anymore, simply for lack of like-minded peers if no other reason. But it strikes me as ironic how things have changed so much. I'm in no way saying this is a bad life or that I'm ashamed of it, but I remember back in my super-jock days observing the hippies and shaking my head in utter incomprehension. Now I is one (part time at least, when I'm not working in my total-non-Phishhead job). It's weird how one's life twists and turns. Phish literally changed my life, almost entirely for the better. Although it lessened my athleticism a bit, I'm fortunately still probably one of the mll probably one of the most fit people on the lot, especially when I'm considered as part of the hardcore Phish population. That in itself sets me apart a little, but it's cool, simply because Phishheads are among the friendliest, most accepting group of people in the world. Phish has changed my life in such in incredibly positive way. It greatly expanded my awareness of the world, my spiritualism, and helped tualism, and helped me realize the validity of so many other walks of life. Not just my little jock-niche, like so many others I've left behind.

I'm getting to the age where, though I'm certainly not old, I'm one of the older people on the lot. There are times when I see some older heads sitting by their car and simply chilling out. I sometimes envy them, how they can be so relaxed and laid back. Watching the craziness of the scene happen right in front of them, yet being content to sit back and let it happen. Don't get me wrong- I love the crazy, anything-goes attitude of the scene. Apart from the music itself, it's the main thing that draws me to Phish. But those who just chill out are vital to the scene, as I feel they add vital stability and mellowness to what could quickly get out of hand and be ruined for everyone else.

9/9/99 In a LONG traffic jam at the US/Canada Border crossing: The concept of distance seems to be different in the West than East. Whereas a mile remains a mile, the East also seems significantly more preoccupied with traffic considerations as well as pure distanons as well as pure distance. Take a trip from Boston to DC. Or Boston to New York, even: 250 miles. But a committment to the nth degree: traffic, construction, asshole drivers, attitudes... Out here, however, the idea of traveling 250 miles seems trivial in comparison. The Bellingham, WA radio station was even advertsing tickets for the Gorge, which must be 300-350 miles away! They mentioned it so casually that it reflects the attitude toward distance out here. The East is so crowded; there's so much so densely packed together that traveling even 200 miles seems outrageous to many who live there. Long travel in the West, however, must be little more than an accepted way of life.

[6/18/99, 11:47pm] Weird "What's bizzare? I mean we're all pretty bizzare. It's just that some of us are better at hiding it, that's all." -Em.pacifier.com/~amye/">Emilio Eztivez, The Breakfast Club

"Do I think you're weird? Yeah, but everyone's weird." -Liza Minelli, The Sterile Cuckoo (olle Cuckoo (old movie)

[4/01/99, 12:24am] Tour Summer tour is coming. Are you ready?

[2/23/99, 10:05pm] Reba Sometimes I think Reba is about selling out. About how record company execs don't really care about the substance -- the quality -- of the music. Rather, they merely want a shiny new product which they can shove down consumers' throats. Whether it's good or not is immaterial, as long as they can slap the proven revenue generating word "Phish" to it.

"Blooming" is a word I always attach to Reba. The middle part: the long, soft jam, always blows , soft jam, always blows me away. You know that old toy from the 70's & 80's called Mr Wiggly? It was a rubber tube folded inside-out on itself. As you pushed it along in a straight line, it would always wrap around, with more always coming from the center of the tube, and disappearing into the center on the back end. Anyway, I always back end. Anyway, I always have that picture in my mind when I hear that song. About how that middle jam just keeps 'blooming'- this big fat tube facing me, not approaching but still slowly "blooming", orderly churning, wrapping around on itself, drawing from the same basic structure but never getting old or predictible. Striking.

Then there's other times when I think the song is about a chick who sells some fucked up shit to a butcher.

[2/19/99, 9:21pm] Cool Song Smashing Pumpkins' "Porcelina", from Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness is a great song.

[2/5/99, 1158pm] Be real <[2/5/99, 1158pm] Be real I haven't had a lot to say lately. I've been very busy turning within myself for some reason, possibly avoiding Common Issues, possibly just getting my collective shit together for The Next Big Thing. I tend to move that way; I go into a phase over something and am into it intensely, then I back off. Definitely don't abandon it, but back off and let it integrate itself into my whole. I think that's how I do it. I obsess over something: phish, all sorts of altered states, blues music, even women. When it's their time I give them my 100% complete and full attention. I explore them, everything they have to offer, all the nuances, all the implications, behind the scenes dirt. Then, and only then, do I feel comfortable enough with it, at peace enough with it, to back it off and absorb it into part of my whole. There are so many superficial people in the world, who are here for little more then the mere ittle more then the mere essence of what's really real. Trend chasers. To be 'in' and cool.. Their superficiality sickens me. Just pick something to believe in, wholly and unabashedly. Explore it, all sides of it, let it become part of what you are, both the good anare, both the good and bad. (it's rarely just those two, anyway). If you're going to spend time with something, the least you owe it and yourself is to understand it to the marrow and make it part of your essense.

[1/21/99, 2328] BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING: The federal goverment wants to monitor your banking habits. This is taken from Legislative Update: "A more recent assault on privacy is a regulation proposed jointly by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, the Office of Thrift Supervision, and the Federal Reserve, known as "Know Your Customer. If this regulation takes effect in April 2000, financial institutions will be required not only to identify their customers but also their source of funds for all transactions, establish a "profile" and determine if the transaction is "normal and expected." If a transaction does not fit the profile, not fit the profile, banks would have to report the transaction to government regulators as "suspicious." This unfunded mandate on financial institutions will be passed on to customers who would have to pay higher ATM and othto pay higher ATM and other fees, as well as higher interest rates on loans, for the privilege of being spied on by government-inspired tellers."

[11/29/98 1128]: Best story of the phall tour: i was sitting in my car at Hampton, uploading the pictures I'd just taken. A guy walked by and asked what in the world I was doing with a computer and cellphone at a phish show. I explained all about this site. All the sudden he got a suprised look on his face, "You're that guy!!! I love your site, man! All my friends do." He then introduced me to everyone in his group. I simply cannot descrive how good this made me feel.

It means that i did something; that I gave something back to the phish community. Sure, you can make all the wisecracks about phishheads in general, but this community has given so much to me. It's changed my life in such a positive way, I was so happy to finally see that my efforts were appreciated. I gave something back gave something back to the crowd that inadvertantly, through it's simple existence and attitude, changed my life in an incredibly positive way. I love this band.

[11/21/98 0215]: As I'm typing this I'm stricken with "floating pointer" disease. It seems that when a mouse touchpad's temperature is slightly out of sync with that of the room it's currently in (such as when taken inside from a cold car), condensation on it makes all deliberate "points" futile. One must simply resign oneself to sitting there, helplessly, and watch his or her mouse pointer meander all over the place in response to the slightest breaths of air. I find myself coaxing it along, like a proud parent of a just-about-to toddler, right there on the verge, but not quite.

Oh well, whimsical musings aside, sooner or later the pad and room agree upon a temperature where they can amicably coexist, and the pointer stops wandering. Once again I'm poised opposite of... a computer.

[10/23/98] - WZBC-FM 90.3fm, Boston WZBC in Boston has got to be on of the greatest radio stations in the world. They're the station of Boston College (ironically in Newton MA). They have this radio show called No Commercial Potential (NCP), which I'm listening to now. Mostly ambient music. No spoken words for hours on end. It's incredible. I'm babysitting my girlfriends rabbit for 7 weeks, and the little critter seems to love it too. Soft long tones, dub beats, quiet simple melodies. It really helps to clear one's mind; to help one sort through the clutter of the day. Hey, if an animal loves it, it's gotta be good, right?

[9/11/98] Hands down best set of LemonWheel: Day 1, Set 2

[9/7/98] Went to the rodeo today
I saw the cowgirls lined up on the fence,
Brand new Chevrolets,
Brand new pair of seamless pants
We wa seamless pants
We watched the moment of defeat,
Played back over on the video screen.
Somewhere deep inside
My soul died
(neil young- natural beauty)

Real Rock [my reaction to watching tonight's VH-1 spotlight on The Doors:] Fuck teenyboppers. They're responsible for destroying so much of what is good with music. Not to mention trivializing that which survives.

When they were in their heyday, I wish I was old enough to appreciate Jim Morrison, the Doors, and all those bands from that time- Joplin, Hot Tuna, early Dead, Hendrix... To have experienced SF in the late 60's makes me long for something like that in my own time.

Quiet Pretty quiet round the ol' homestead right now. 0302 07sep98. I'm wide awake, though actively working to resolve that. It's quiet times like this (shit, I'm single and it's rarely quiet around here as is. I can't image what it'll be like after I get married!), after I've been up for a really long time, when I get to really think about It All. Mostly, it's an opportunity to allly, it's an opportunity to allow my mind to digest the overwhelming flood of crap which drifts in during the routine course of one's life. routine course of one's life.

Getting Old There's this infomercial on TV right now for one of those best-of CD's, this one is Songs of the 80's. It's interesting to watch music, with which I grew up with as a teenager, slowly become relegated to the oldies bin. I few years ago I would have started that sentence with "It's sad to watch," but I think I've got to the point where I can put things into a larger perspective. Who knows- maybe in a few more years I can even work myself up to saying that I've accepted it. Heh- all in due time, I suppose.

[on a side note, I really need a light to type with, but I just can't bring myself to get up to reach it.]

Sheep I really don't mind glitz and glamour. I think it's neat and the pinnacle of raw american capitolism. What I really object to, however, and what I'm extremely uncomfortable with is when people buy into it. That some people can be totoaly mesmerized by the be totoaly mesmerized by the moment, the glamour, the bright lights... quite frankly it disgusts me.

I was just watching a 60 minute infomercial (not ALL of it- just parts, I swear!) on this Stridex knockoff. You know, the stuff they hawk onto teenagers for acne. The thing that really got me is how they were marketing thing stuff. Essentailly, Stridex is little more than alcohol-soaked pads, and this company was selling 60 of them for $50. Imagine soaking a 1.5" diameter piece of cloth in running alcohol and selling for for almost a dollar. What's it really cost? 2 cents?

It's all a point in what I was saying, it's ok to buy into the hype if you're intelliegent enough to realize that that's all it is. Hype. Admire American advertising and the pure, raw capitolistic forces which drive it, but do so from afar. Deep down, Know Better.

[8/28/1998] This summer tour was pretty cool. I've had about two weeks now to reflect upon it (god it seems like so much longer already), and I think I finally understand what they were trying to do; I think I've tapped into their mindset. Last year at the Went, they were on the right on the verge of their astounding breakthrough to the Funk Side. They hit it during a fde. They hit it during a few of those sets. Then the fall tour started and all hell broke loose--- funk like you've never heard it before. It was deep, rich, intense, and I loved every second of it. The xmas holiday tour reinforced this, and then the spring mini-tour (the Island Tour) was their perfection. In all honesty, I still get goosebumps thinking about all of those shows, especially the Island Tour. Wow.

That's been about 9 months of heavy funk. Then summer rolled around and I began seeing posts from the Europe leg of the summer tour that things were a lot lighter. A lot more carefree.

Every time they seemed to get into a really heavy funk groove this summer, they seemed to purposefully snap themselves out of it, even when it seemed like that's where they really wanted to go. It's my opinion that they made a purposeful effort to keep things light this summer. That would explain their unprecedented number of breakout songs. Sexual Healing, Burning Down the House, LaGrange, Ramble On, placed where they were this time around. In short, there were a lot of seemingly out off seemingly out of place songs, not to mention a lot onot to mention a lot of their own "pop" songs. (which I love dearly) (side note: Rift kicks ass!)

I think the heavy funk groove will return this fall. I MOST SINCERELY HOPE that the heavy funk groove will return this fall. I think Summer 98, truly outstanding as it was, was a resting time for them- a time to screw around, remember their roots, and play. Hey, it's summer after all!

Here's to Fall 98!

[8/23/98] The Beastie Boys rock. They're a lot like Phish. They're extremely talented musicians, yet they make a conscious effort to not take themselves seriously. They're there for the fun of it. Yes, they have a lot of high-powered rap songs, but there's a much more serious, deep side of them: their funk. I strongly urge you to get a hold of Paul's Boutique and The In Sound from Way Out, especially the latter. Truly one of the best albums I've ever heard.