Jan 1, 2015:

Execpt for one awkwad and embarrassing incident, my wife hasn't fucked me since 2009.

Jan 2, 2015:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_quiz.htm :

."As an engaged couple, [she] and her fiancee were doing it about three times a week, but once they said their vows, it quickly dwindled to about once a month. Sometimes less."

Once a month?? FUCKING REALLY? I would weep with joy for sex even once a SEASON. Or maybe once every FIVE YEARS. But no, I'm the loser. I'm the piece of shit. I'm to blame.

In September of 2015, I will once again be eligble for "regular people" life insurance. I'll get a policy for $750k (less than $1m is easier). Suicide pays in full after 2 years of the policy's date. That means I'm going to kill myself in September 2017. I promise I will kill myself, Jen. My wife.

And you will be the benificiary, Jen, please use it for their college.